Tuesday, June 19, 2012

An Old Love Re-Visited Me in Dream

The subject of my poem, "Someone from My Past", visited me in a dream once again. He was a best friend whom for a long time I cared for but whom I was never able to express my love to, verbally at least.

The entire period of time that we´re together, I didn´t even admit to myself that what I felt for him was indeed, love. With all the care and love that he showered me, unconsciously I felt that he cared for me more than just a friend. And quite embarrassing as it is now to think about, back then I always thought we would somehow end up together.

But we didn´t ...

Sure, I married my best friend but he´s not the first best friend whom I loved when I was young. I married someone who I met many years later, when I was already done crying for the loss of that first love because he married someone else when I was away, when he thought I abandoned him, when we didn´t have any contact, and when I was in fact strugling for my life and survival alone in a foreign land. But him, he decided to marry someone else without waiting for me, without looking for me.

It was true love gone with the distance and without communication. But it was so over many years ago. Seven years in particular. I´m now happily married, so blessed with my husband. A year after my marriage that first love found me in facebook and added me there. Through his photos I learned that he´s now living happily with his wife, two step children, and three children of his own.

So why did I dream about him again last night? Why do I dream about him every after few months in the first place?

In the dream I saw my husband and the first love. I asked permission to my husband if I and my best friend could talk privately, he said "yes", so I and the best friend went to look for a vacant room. It was like an apartment and we were in the second floor. All rooms were occupied so while standing on the stairs, we thought to go down to the first floor and look for a room there where we could have privacy to talk. There were so many things to talk about, so many questions to ask.

It was a flood of familiar feelings, excitement of seeing him again, missing him, and joy of being able to talk to him again, and hope that finally we could put closure to that old good story.

But when we reached the first floor we ended up in a hall full of people, there was a party and a band was playing on stage. Somebody grabbed him and asked if he could play the guitar with the band. He looked like he´d say "No" but the person who was pulling him was persistent. He was a good guitarist and the crowd wanted him to play for them.

He wasn´t able to utter anything before he was drown in the crowd. I didn´t know if he wanted to say, "I´ll be back.", "I´ll be quick." or "Just go ahead." Standing in the dark I waited, trying to figure out what he wanted to tell me, deciding if i should stay and wait for him or should I go. I wasn´t even sure if he would still come back to speak to me.

After a little while I decided, if he really wanted to speak to me, he shouldn´t have left me. He should have pushed away from the crowd and stood beside me so we could look for a room. But he left me, he went with the crowd.

As the dream faded away, I knew I left the partying crowd and went back to my husband who was patiently waiting for me upstairs.

Photo credit: wehearit.com

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